OMG

So this past week I went on 2 dates. Don't get too excited... they were both horrible!! The first one was a blind date that i was set up on by a girl from school. Guy from New York, totally not my type and I was definitely not interested, although he seemed to think otherwise (and not to mention the fact that he was WASTED when I met him). The second date was with a guy that I met briefly at a museum who seemed harmless enough. When i get to the date it instantly becomes the most awkward situation ever. He is so uncomfortable and socially awkward I just couldn't even handle it. I could tell you countless stories about all the weird things he did, but lets not waste time and get straight to the good stuff!! So both dates I had to weasel out of because they were so horrible. The second one with the French guy, I was only there for a few minutes and already called Kara to get me the hell out of this date! We formulated a plan about how Fozzie was sick and how Kara and Jenna were on the way to the vet and I had to meet them. He tried to convince me not to go and then tried to weasel a kiss on the metro! I dont think so. Anyways, today I get this LOVELY email from him pointing out all the things that are "wrong" with me. I'm sorry, but if I am so horrible then why did you want me to stay and then proceed to kiss me?! So heres the email, along with my commentary of course.

(Keep in mind that this guy is French)

Emily,

this is my last e-mail. Take it as a "farewell".
I hope you'll read this one, that it won't stay in your spam box.

I tried to listen and to comply with what you wanted.

MY ATTEMPT:

I knew it would be hard to make the things work out, since you already said nothing in our chats- I mean nothing but "ahah ok", the most frequent sentence. (*)
So, I knew that would be hard but not to a such extend.
(I said you're cute but I lied. You're not) (wooooow. why did you ask me out in the first place then?!)

MY ADVICES: `

The peak of surprise was reached when you showed me pics of your dog, claiming they were "more interesting" (I never said that. I was just trying to display convincing emotions about Fozzie being "sick" haha). (we were at Notre-Dame). I think that tells everything.

Let me order all that, as an advice list:

0. (clearly every list starts with zero) Note that you're in Paris here. People are evolved here, more than in the US. They are well-mannered, cultured, but not sexually frustrated. Besides, nobody goes longer to the church.
So you have to improve some things on your own:

1.The fact that you're not likely to speak French shows that your cultural interest is superficial. When I'm abroad, I try to speak the local language (English, German etc). You should change that (who said anything about not speaking French? I actually try really hard to speak French. I just did not want to talk to you. In ANY language.)

2.You spent all your time into texting. Here when you have a date, you're supposed to turn off you phone. Otherwise you're not polite. (sorry dude, but that was me trying to get of a date from hell with you.)
And you expected me lovely? (what?)
Do you know that not doing it is the most convincing evidence of a lack of education?
Emily, you're rude. You must change that. Otherwise, you'll get problems here. I'm serious (Uh oh!)

3.When you claim that your dog is more interesting that Notre-Dame, that obviously means that you're emotionally ruined. (HAHAHAHA)
That also means that you don't pay attention to culture- I knew you were a fake art student, since you go drink with friends in the middle of the week and go to bed at 1 am . (EXCUSE ME? do you know any art students? or college students in general??! thats what we DO! clearly this must mean I'm a liar and not actually an art student)
This way you offend people, meaning that the Paris cathedral- a symbol of Paris and its culture- is less than your dog (or rather your neurotic emotional involvement). This way you do show your lacks and offend your company, on a same move. (Yep, I have disrespected Notre Dame, Paris, and Catholicism for that matter, becasue of my dog)
Don't do that again. A ghost of curiosity should make you a better person. (ummmm, What?)
Actually, that shows you're not ready to get out an discover the world- especially have love affairs. (love affairs!!!!! hahahaha)
Besides, you don't need them : you have a dog already (HAHA!) About sex, (who said anything about sex?!??) living with two girls, without male contacts is somewhat saphic (look in the dictionary if you don't know what that means). (I did look in the dictionary, you actually spelled it wrong... its sapphic). Actually, your interest for boys is superficial. Maybe you should try with a girl first. (AHHAHAHAH so i guess im a lesbian cuz I have 2 girl roommates)

Farewell, oyster (??????)

*: you studied art in a little private college for spoiled girls since quantum physics at the UCLA were intellectually demanding- am I right? (wait wait this is my favorite. So every French person assumes that if you go to school in LA it must be UCLA. So he thinks that since I went to a small private school its becasue I'm a stupid spoiled girl. well my friend, I happened to have gone to Pepperdine for one of the best advertising degrees in the country, so you can suck it)



Well that is all! Wasn't that great! The email gets better every time i read it! SOOOO funny! But I might be a little freaked out tho... Jenna thinks hes stalking me/ followed me that night! Well lets just say that I will not be giving him the pleasure of receiving a response to that email. So I just posted all my responses here for you to read instead! What is my life??! When did my dating life become entertainment for the rest of the world? Kara and Jenna think maybe I should keep going on more dates and write a book about it... and then we can make a movie!!)

I gotta redeem my horrible dating record. Pushing away 2 attempt-at-kisses in one week is just not fun.